Footballing News with Humour

[teflon]

The communist newspaper from Manchester which claims to be called the Guardian has a really funny daily email one may subscribe to entitled 'the fiver'.
If you want to subscribe, just go on the internet and do so. http://football.guardian.co.uk/fiver/
Monday's one went like thus.....

FAT OF THE LAND

Today's Fiver was going to wax lyrical about how great it is that the result of the Asian Cup final has enabled the Iraqi people to briefly take their minds off the bullets whizzing around their war-torn nation, but then we remembered how they celebrate sporting triumph and decided it would be wrong to riff on it ... at least while the bodies are still warm.

Being under the age of 142, the Fiver has no idea how Newcastle fans celebrate when their team wins a trophy, although it's reported that the last time they brought home silverware, 377 fans were killed by falling musket-balls and arrows that were fired into the air outside St James' Park in celebration. More recently - yesterday in fact - former chairman Freddy Shepherd took to the airwaves to fire some parting shots of his own on Sportsweek, a show the Fiver hears is excellent, but never actually hears because it's on Sunday mornings while we're still unconscious in the gutter in a Foaming-Shaft-and-Fist-Fight-induced funk.

"Michael Owen owes Newcastle a lot," pontificated the man who recently walked away from the club pushing a wheelbarrow containing £37.6m. "I think he's played more times for England than he has for Newcastle." Owen's future in the north east has been the subject of much speculation since the time he was still a Real Madrid player and burst out laughing when a friend of the Fiver's enquired if he'd ever consider a move to the Magpies. This speculation increased recently when it emerged that he has a £9.5m buy-out clause in his contract. However, Fat Freddy says the clause expires tomorrow and "after that, he would have to stay for another year unless it was in the club's interests to let him go".

But while Owen's future at Newcastle appears to be a lot more secure than the player himself would like, that of his manager - who genuinely wants to be there - is not. Rumours abound that (a) the new Newcastle hierarchy isn't all that keen on the cut of the Allardyce jib and (b) the new Newcastle hierarchy want Kelvin Koogan and Alan Shearer to work in tandem as director of football and manager respectively. Ergo, Big Sam was scheduled to have a "clea-the air" meeting with his new chairman Chris Mort today.

Sam should get the reassurances he requires, not least because Koogan is currently busy running his Soccer Circus and hasn't time to take over another one, no matter how funny the clowns are. And luckily for all of us TV licence-payers, Shearer wants to continue boring innocent men, women and children senseless by spouting asinine platitudes for large amounts of money on Match of the Day.

But whatever the new Newcastle bosses think of Big Sam, the man who hired him certainly has faith in him. "Sam's got the mental strength and that was certainly needed at Newcastle. He brings a lot of discipline to the club and is nobody's fool," way-ayed the man who's long been one of the Fiver's favourite fools. Joni Mitchell was right - you really don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"It's his man-management that makes him stand out. He manages to keep a big squad of players happy. We have an excellent team spirit at [the Trafford DevilBowl]. Even the members of the squad that are perhaps not involved, he keeps them focused because there is every chance that they will be needed and called upon. That is a great skill" - Gabriel Heinze tells Sky Sports magazine what a great manager Lord Ferg is in an interview that may have been conducted before he enlisted the help of Liverpool's lawyers to help get him out of his MU Rowdies contract.

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THE RUMOUR MILL

Bernd Schuster wants to run Raul out of Real Madrid. And Bernard Cribbins is mad enough to think that he could seek sanctuary at St Andrew's. Meanwhile, Real Madrid ruin Cicinho is wanted by Roma.

Sven-Goran Eriksson's eye has roved all the way to the DevilBowl, from where he wants to bring both Alan Smith and Mikael Silvestre to Eastlands. The Swede's also sweet on Brazilian midfielder Elano, who's currently with Shakhtar Donetsk.

Lomana LuaLua is set to somersault all the way from Portsmouth to Barcelona. For talks with Espanyol, not Barça, obviously.

And Marseille and PSG will only liberate Sylvain Wiltord from Lyon if he drops his wage demands. A move to the MLS it is, then

NEWS IN BRIEF

Bongo FC have completed the £3m signing of Spurs' Rob McCaffrey look-a-like Hossam Ghaly. Chris Kamara was not available for comment but is reportedly inconsolable.

Four people died as overjoyed Iraq fans shot bullets into the air to celebrate yesterday's Asian Cup final victory over Saudi Arabia.

Germany's first-ever football league championship has finally been decided 113 years after it first took place. Hanau 93 and Viktoria 1889 Berlin were to meet to decide the first German football championship in 1894, but Hanau could not afford the 300-mile trip. They've been saving ever since - and all for a 4-1 aggregate defeat.

Eric Cantona will be a guest - not a participant - at the Homeless World Cup final tomorrow.

And David Beckham will have a fitness test to see if he ca- nope, on reflection we don't give one.