Help

[dmgirl]

Ok this may seem abit strange to put on a forum but I usually find impartial advice more helpful than that of someone close to me.

My ex and I split up in November and we have three children together, since we split he has moved in with his new girlfriend and her two boys, about two and a half months ago.

Recently he has been trying to get me to talk to his new girlfriend and personally I don't see why I should, I don't want her near my kids as they are still coming to terms with us not being together and so he has to see them at my house which he doesn't like because I don't trust him not to have her around when he has got them.

The thing is I found out yesterday that they have got engaged and to say I was mad was an understatement, but I have cooled down since and the more I think about it the more I come to the conclusion that nothing has changed, it is still too soon for the kids to meet her because it is too new a relationship, engage people can still brake up.

So do I talk to his new girlfriend or do I just say no and if they are still together after say six months then I will see what she is like and try to be friendly with her. Oh and she is threating to just show up on my doorstep to 'sort this out once and for all for the sake of the kids'.

[Sash]

Feckin hell he was quick getting involved and engaged, was this going on prior to you guys splitting up?

3 months is no where near enough time for your ex to get to know this new partner or for her children to get to know him. In my opinion he should not even be contemplating his kids getting to know this woman until at least 6 months have past and he is definitely sure that he wants a long term relationship with this woman. Hasn't his kids been through enough ( no offense to you hun, just some blokes seem to think kids don't have feelings) I was very lucky that my 2 were still only toddlers when I met harv, and they took to him right away. She has no right to demand that you "see sense" and "sort this out for the kids" because she is not the one who has to explain why daddy has a new woman, and why daddy has left to the children when they are upset, and sometimes why mummy is upset too. Your children have absolutely nothing to do with her at this very very early stage in her relationship with their father.

Stick to your guns hun, you know your children better than anyone. Do not let yourself be bullied because you want to do what you feel is best for them. If he doesn't like seeing them at your house then suggest he sees them with the court welfare officers sitting in.

I'm all for dads seeing their kids, but it riles me when they expect the woman they have left in the lurch to pick up the pieces and accept their ex's new life without a blink of an eye.

if you need a chat you can always pm me.

[dmgirl]

His relationship with his new girlfriend happened after we split but he was seeing someone else before her which is why we broke up. That's the thing they are both accusing me of being akward and trying to make his life difficult when I'm just trying to protect my kids, what annoys me is he is saying I'm hurting the kids by not letting him see them but when he does he only stays for less than an hour and they are more upset by that then if he didn't turn up at all.

[Paparika]

you need to think whats best for your children, and your right they are still coming to terms with daddy living at home anymore.

she sounds a bit nasty if you ask me, 'threatening to come to your house to sort it out' this won't be for the sake of the kids, otherwise she wouldn't say that.


you don't have to do anything that you don't want to, if that is an inconvenience to your ex and his new partner, then tough!

your priority is you and your children's well being, no one else's, if your not comfortable at the moment speaking to her then you shouldn't be forced into doing so. You suggest leaving the meeting for a while, I think you are absolutely right. You and your children are still getting over the loss of daddy in the house and having the new woman on the scene is gonna be hard and confusing for the children as it is, if ex partner can't understand that then perhaps he needs to have it told to him legally.


I'm hoping you don't have to take it to the extreme of going there, but this may sound so silly (no one told me how at the time) if you need to get an injunction then you need to see a solicitor (not even the police would tell me this when i need to get one on my ex) - if you know that already then ignore that hehe

good luck, and as sash says we are here for you, we've been there, seen it and now wearing the t-shirts.

Originally Posted by dmgirl

His relationship with his new girlfriend happened after we split but he was seeing someone else before her which is why we broke up. That's the thing they are both accusing me of being akward and trying to make his life difficult when I'm just trying to protect my kids, what annoys me is he is saying I'm hurting the kids by not letting him see them but when he does he only stays for less than an hour and they are more upset by that then if he didn't turn up at all.

thats bullshit and we all know it, its emotional blackmail for you to do as your told!

one extra bit of advice, get a solicitor, one that deals with family welfare, or start off with these Citizens Advice corporate website - Home

Like Sash i believe a father should have a role with his children even when they have left, but they don't have to be arseholes like your ex is being

[dmgirl]

Thanks guys you are always so helpful. It's not just the kids I mean it feels like he is trying to rub my nose in the fact that he has moved on already and got someone new by trying to make me talk to her. I have no problems with him seeing the kids but I don't think she likes him coming to my house apparently he doesn't want to see me yet he turned up on my doorstep at 1am one morning because he had had a row with her and asked if he could move in and that it wasn't just the kids he was missing. I think she's getting worried that he's going to leave which is why she proposed.

[Paparika]

Originally Posted by dmgirl

Thanks guys you are always so helpful. It's not just the kids I mean it feels like he is trying to rub my nose in the fact that he has moved on already and got someone new by trying to make me talk to her. I have no problems with him seeing the kids but I don't think she likes him coming to my house apparently he doesn't want to see me yet he turned up on my doorstep at 1am one morning because he had had a row with her and asked if he could move in and that it wasn't just the kids he was missing. I think she's getting worried that he's going to leave which is why she proposed.

awwww hun i feel for you i really do, it sounds so familiar, turning up at 1am is unacceptable (even if you were still up) your children are tucked up in bed fast alseep.

my ex tried the 4 am visit to see his son, and to check my bed to make sure there wasn't any men in it *sigh


He has to learn that he left, so he has no control of what you do, or what happens with the children (unless of course he had cause for concern, which from what i read on what you do, i doubt that very much)

She sounds insecure, and she has every right to, he was with you and cheated, then moves on to current g/f, i bet she thinks he's either gonna come running back to you (as he has tried already) or some other bit of skirt will take his fancy.

Some men are like this when they split up with the mother of their children. they don't want to know, but they think they can still demand from you.

please consider some legal advise so that you take the correct appropriate steps on dealing with this, so if this ever went to court, either by you or him, then at least you have done everything right, and by the book, if he still continues the nightly visits, your solicitor will tell his solicitor and all this will be read out in court. then who would look the idiot.

of course if you decided on legal advice, his instinct is to shout and scream and throw wobbles, point fingers at you, your a bad mother etc, prepare to hear all of that, but ignore it too.

But always be the better person, don't react to him and his demands.

[Sash]

I hope you told him where to get off hun. A lot of men are like that, want to have thier cake and eat it. So if this new woman starts to annoy him or get on his nerves he will think you will always take him back. Tell him to piss off, you're better than that. This other woman sounds desperate too, and from what you have said, your ex is obviously looking to play the field (2 women since you split up) and introducing this woman to your children at this stage is something I wouldn't advise.

Do what is right for you and your children. Don't get dragged into him complaining about his new partner, as it can happen. If you want to try again, them obviously go for it, but do it on your terms.




He having a midlife crisis by any chance?

Luckily harv bought a motorbike when he had his (his new woman isn't one is she? )




(Trying to make you laugh! )

[Paparika]

Originally Posted by Sash

He having a midlife crisis by any chance?

Luckily harv bought a motorbike when he had his (his new woman isn't one is she? )




(Trying to make you laugh! )

omg sash hehe

[Moonbeam]

You haven't said how old your children are but I'm pressuming they are too young to fully understand what is going on. Mine were 12, 9 and 6. I'm not going into any details but my ex had his own flat and even though our parting was far from amicable he assured me whoever he met in the future (ha ha) he would not bring them into contact with her and he stood by that. When finally he settled the children were given the choice of visiting them or just seeing him by this time my eldest chose to cut all contact the boys continued for a few years though. As for her coming to your house to sort this out well if that had been said to me my reply would have been at her own peril. Children do need contact though and if you can stomach him coming on his own to your house under your supervision for a couple of hours then go for that. All my 3 are grownup btw so they choose when they go my eldest now has a better relationship with her Dad than the boys do after not seeing him or having any contact with him for 6 years

[Eraserhead]

I don't have kids so I have no real experience but I'm going to post anyway as this topic so far seems a bit one sided.

I think it is totally unreasonable of you not to allow ("allow" who says you should have all the rights?) your ex to take the kids to where he lives. Your ex in my opinion should have as much right as you to say how the kids are brought up. Besides your break up was he a decent dad?

Maybe as well as your concern for the kids you are allowing some resentment to affect your judgement because of the way you split up.

[dmgirl]

The thing with him is he doesn't like being alone because he can't handle it, he doesn't have his own place and he can't afford one so he chose the girl with her own place. But he's digging a hole because I don't think he isn't happy there and I told him if there is any chance of us getting back together then it has to be a fresh start, he has to prove that he can stand on his own to feet and that I'm not just convient for him and he can't do that. So basically he is stuck, because the person he was staying with when we first split is his new girlfriends brother so he can't move back in there if they split, either because his friend won't be happy with him for messing his sister around or he will get grieve from his sister.