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Right, this is a very small extract of part of a much larger script. This is the intended opening sequence of the first episode of a series.
My friends seem to like it, but 1 or 2 have mentioned that maybe they find it funny because they know me personally.
So I want honest feedback please, is it funny? If so, why? If not, why?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Episode 1: Change
INT. STUS BED ROOM
A duffle bag lies on a bed in the center of the shot. We can see a female figure, back turned, frantically putting clothes and various other items into the bag. We can hear various muffled sounds of shooting and explosions in the background. What is she running from? After a short while, cut to:
INT. STUS LIVING ROOM
STU is slumped in the middle of the sofa, mouth slightly open eyes fixed offscreen. He has a 360 controller in his hand, with a wire for his headset running up his top to his head. Beside him is a pack of pringles resting on the side of his stomach. The gunshots and explosions can now be heard clearly.
STU
Watch the rooftops. (pause) Sniper at the windo-- its ok, got him.
INT. STUS BED ROOM
The female figure pushes down the contents of the duffle bag and zips it up, with her left arm she picks it up and walks out of the room off camera.
INT. STUS LIVING ROOM
STU
By the red car
KATIE, STUs girlfriend, walks in carrying a duffle bag, puts it down beside where she stops.
KATIE
Stu... Stu... STU!
Stu
1 sec.
KATIE
See, see! This is exactly why I'm leaving you.
STU
(distracted, unsure which way to look, stays looking at TV.)I.. I... Hold on guys.
STU flicks the switch on his control pad to mute himself.
STU
You're what?
KATIE
Leaving, this just isnt working for me anymore. All you do is play on your videogames, or watch Star Wars, or talk about videogames, or Star Wars, or Star Wars videogames.
STU
Thats not true, I talk about other stuff.
KATIE
Like what?
STU
Like, work, I talk to you about work. And you talk to me about your wor--
KATIE
YOU WORK IN A VIDEOGAME SHOP!
STU
Yeah but..
INT. CHRIS' BEDROOM
CHRIS is sat on his bed, cross legged, back agains the wall. He has poster of videogames and sci fi up all over the place behind him. He has a headset on and a 360 controller in his hand. The room is dark enough for the flashes on the TV screen to be illuminating his face.
CHRIS
Stu, whats going on mate.
INT. STUS LIVING ROOM
KATIE
And you never tell me you lov---
STU
Hold on (flicking across his mute button to talk) Hold on mate (and back again to mute, looks back to KATIE as if nothing happened.)
KATIE
STU!
STU
Sorry
KATIE
Stu, I so want this to work, really I do. I just dont feel (Stus eyes flick for a split second to the screen, then back to KATIE) like we have that same connection we did when we first met. What happened to us, we used to be so close.
STU
(looks down, sadly) I dont know.
KATIE
I dont want to do this. Lets talk.
STU
OK, go make yourself a drink and we will talk. (flicks across his switch) Yeah, hold on (back to mute)
KATIE
I dont need a drink, I just want to talk.
STU
(eyes looking at the screen, but facing KATIE) I think its best if you do.
KATIE turns and looks at the screen, then back at STU, STU realises and looks directly at her. KATIE is clearly fuming.
STU
(sheepishliy)Its a clan match (gesturing to the tv) I cant just quit I-- (cut off)
KATIE
Ill have my sister swing by and get the rest of my stuff in the morning. Goodbye Stu!
KATIE storms out. STU looks dissapointed, unmutes himself and re positions his hands on the joypad.
STU
Katies just walked out on me.
INT. CHRIS' BEDROOM
CHRIS
Can you tell me in a mintue mate, were 5 down because of you.
It reads like this initial stage has been well thought out and written to me, however I was stopped in my tracks, by the direction I felt the next stage was likely to take me, I felt like you were about to take me from a good, well thought out opening, towards something i'd likely consider to be an average homemade YouTube video, so that instead of it having the originality it initially promised it would likely cheat by taking ideas from others and that left me feeling unsure if it would turn out any good or not as an overall item.
It's something I feel you would have to be very careful in the way you choose to take the story and dialogue next, if you want it to remain your work and not something which people will feel has been copied from elsewhere.
I don't think the characters can only be funny if you actually know them in real life, I think this is the sort of thing that anyone in a relationship/friendship/knows anyone who is a gamer or computer geek is likely to get.
I Look forward to reading the next bit, which I hope would kill my doubts and let me see it continue to be original and fun.
It fairly funny because you can see it happening or have had it happen similarly before. But I have to admit Det has a point. That seems much more like a comedy sketch than an intro to a longer episode.
It would be hilarious if done as a sketch like a dilbert cartoon or scene from family guy or something but I cant see how you can make much more of the situation than what you have already.
Maybe like det said a bit more script would enlighten as to what your trying to create
What Im aiming to create is a show about a videogame store. Anybody who says they have no influences when writing a sitcom are a liar. My influences are The Office, Spaced and The IT Crowd.
The influences are purley stylistic. Alot of what Ive started to write/have already written are purley my own observations from working in a videogame store. The things that happen in the front and back of the shop are far more bizzare than I could ever have thought up and written down. Some of the customers we get in, some of the things Ive had to do (ie, walking around the shop, dual wielding some air fresheners after somebody so smelly came in that customers were complaining).
This opening is walking the line of Spaced and original material. But the concept was honestly new, ie, I didnt think "im gonna rip off a scene from spaced". The concept was, I wanted to play on the fact that some woman was packing her bags, and she could hear war in the background. Start it off like some sort of war epic (something which probably dosnt come across in the script, due to no real time being given to words or shots yet). Then switch it back to a videogame concept, playing CoD or something, then integrating the whole thing of the Live! mute switch. Which anybody who has played on Live! whilst talking to some1, or on an MMO while on vent, can relate to.
I dont know how long it will be before I next finnish a scene to be shown on here. If I can find a really really early draft which was tailored to be a sketch for an acting assesment more than an actual script for a TV series, Ill knock that up. As a pre-note to when I do, stylistically its quite different and has 1 or 2 dips in gags.
Edit: Forgot to say thanks for comments so far. All taken on board.
Its a little like me, when I'm due on, talking to Harv, who is talking to Det on ICQ and completely ignoring me and doing that man "ug" thing that blokes do quite regularly. Cept if I want his attention, I stick my boobs in his face
Great sketch though, but imo you can kinda see where it's going, whether you can make the sketch longer than it is, I don't know, would be interesting to see you try though
It was cringeworthy to watch, because it was full of crap one-liners and canned laughter at bits that weren't good enough to raise the slightest smirk.
I did watch it after watching Peep Show though, so it was up against something truly funny, to be fair.
There's a new show on in America called 'The Big Bang Theory' about geeks who live in a flat and play FPS games to the point of being unresponsive to the hot girl. It's a horrible programme with canned laughter and performances as stilted as in The IT Crowd season 1.
Focus Group: Geeks
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