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With their abbreviated dialect - WLTM, GSOH, SWF - and cliched appeals, personal ads these days can appear anything but personal. But it doesn't have to be that way.
It's always fun scanning through lonely hearts sections in newspapers and magazines. Whether we're looking for love, or just a little curious, or idling away the time on a train journey, there's something intriguing about small ads. They are windows into other people's lives and many make for compulsive reading.
The first newspaper personal ads started appearing in the 19th Century and many magazines have had thriving columns for decades. Today, lonely hearts are big business.
Agencies that run small ads sections make fortunes by using premium rate phone lines and helping callers to formulate adverts. By asking a couple of choice questions an agency is able to create a brief statement about you that is then used to make your small ad. It's a good way of getting the job done, but is it effective?
Such ads invariably come across as a little formulaic and cold. And to the casual browser, they can be just a bit dull.
Readers of the London Review of Books (LRB) - the fortnightly British literary magazine - like to do such things differently.
LRB readers would sooner read the entire back catalogue of Jeffrey Archer novels than place an off-the-peg advert.
"Safety first. Dignity second. Trousers last. Rubbish wok-cooked foods enthusiast and flammable materials-wearing loon (M) WLTM F to 45 with fire-blanket and no small amount of knowledge regarding the correct batter-frying procedures of tempura. Bicester. Box no. 2006."
Instead of the standard "blonde hair, blue-eyed, likes theatre" formula of other lonely hearts sections, LRB advertisers use their 30 words to create bizarre hiakus of longing.
What is more peculiar is that the ads sometimes work. Admittedly they don't have a huge success rate (a handful of marriages, a couple of children, at least one divorce), but, if nothing else, they are original.
It's hard, for example, to ignore the unexpected presence of the German Reichstag in this typically untypical advert:
"Woman, 38. WLTM man to 45 who doesn't name his genitals after German chancellors. You know who you are and, no, I don't want to meet either Bismarck, Bethmann Hollweg, or Prince Chlodwig zu Hohenlohe-Schillingsfürst, however admirable the independence he gave to secretaries of state may have been. Box no. 2102."
A solo drinking session probably isn't the best time to tell the world you're ready for love
If you're thinking of placing a small ad, you could do worse than to take a leaf out of the LRB readers' book.
Announcing to the world you're single and looking for love is not an easy thing to do and having fun is an important aspect of the dating game. Bear in mind, though, there are several important things you need to take into consideration.
Timing is always important. When is a good time to place your small ad? I often get e-mails time-stamped in the early hours of a Sunday morning. You can almost hear the glug of a wine bottle being emptied in the background.
In my experience, a solo drinking session probably isn't the best time to tell the world you're ready for love.
When you are ready, don't rush into penning your ad. It's a certainty that whatever you think is great about yourself is less impressive to others:
"The only item you'll find in my fridge is soup. Forty litres of the stuff. Beat that. M, 46. Box no. 7524."
Perversely, this ad got a whole raft of excellent responses but, as a rule, no-one is interested in a failed attempt to enter the Guinness book of records in 1978.
Many ask their friends to help. It'll do for starters; just be aware that friends make poor romantic partners and will like you for very different reasons than a prospective lover might.
But if you'd rather begin with the help of someone who knows you quite well, try getting them first to write a brief synopsis of your most appealing qualities.
Be careful of breaking the very few protocols of the personals' column. Rule one: don't mention money. In those first lonely hearts back in the 19th Century it wasn't uncommon for gentlemen to specify their annual income.
In those days, the personals were market places for the upper-classes to advertise their business acumen and secure marriages into equally wealthy families. Mercifully, this is no longer the case.
Honesty is a good policy at all times, but when you only have 30 words to sell yourself, it's a good idea not waste valuable wordage reliving your divorce:
"Save it - anything you've got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you're not my ex-wife, why not write to box no. 5377. I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge."
My main piece of advice to all lonely hearts is to relax a little. Be prepared for the possibility of not getting any replies. Getting no replies or not getting the right sort or reply is no reflection on your qualities as a person nor is it the end of the world.
Don't be scared to try again. Be positive, be concise, and be bold. Even the ads quoted here struck gold eventually.
Picture - the guy who wrote this piece David Rose..
Im male/female, aged...., and am looking for a male/female. Im not smart, funny or attractive but i am a generous billionaire, so lets face it who cares. Applications for a life of luxury should be sent to Box no......
Im male/female, aged...., and am looking for a male/female. Im not smart, funny or attractive but i am a generous billionaire, so lets face it who cares. Applications for a life of luxury should be sent to Box no......
I suppose now with todays "personal ads" its a lot easier to make a decision about a person. The internet has made it a lot easier to meet people if that is what you want to do. Gone are the days of internet love being a one off. I personally know quite a few people who have met in chat rooms, yahoo personals and such that have become couples- even married and had kids.
I still think people base a lot on looks rather than personality which with todays advancements in technology is really no longer a problem. You can txt/email or use chat systems on the net to see what your potential love may look like and if you don't like what you see, you can have a look at another picture as there is an abundance of people looking for love all over the internet.
Anyhow mine would be (if I was single)
SWF WLTM kind loving hunky man with strong arms to hug and soft lips to kiss.
Do personals actually work in this modern age of dating websites, where most people won't even touch an advert if it doesn't have at least 3 pictures attached and a member with a popularity rating of at least 3 million?
Or where you find yourself being spammed every single day by the days 2 new members of said dating site, that turn out to be the admin created accounts of the day, just to try and invoke more interest in the site. Of course, never actually being able to read the thousands of messages these daily faked accounts appear to send you, unless you pay $100 dollars up front to get a double platinum gold and diamond account.
I actually find it hard to believe these 30 worders in newspapers and magazines would ever actually work any more. It just seems a really outdated method, considering there are sites out there where you can pretty much find someone to meet up with at any given notice, just for quick and dirty casual sex now, no strings attached.
Or at the same time, there is all the Russian bride style dating websites, where you can pretty much pick yourself a bride i the space of 10 minutes, cause some of these females are so desperate to get out of their country and get a western passport and also because the amount of females to males is something like 15 to 1, of course some of those sites are serious con's at the same time.
I must be getting either old or just far to content with Robyn, cause all these new fangled methods of meeting people do my head in, I just can't get my head past the ideas of seeing someone you like across a room or pub or work place or whatever sending a smile over to them and then basically awaiting their reaction and then if a positive reaction comes, taking it from there. Of course, the modern part of me also finds building up a friendship over time via a community like TF or through a game like Mir a much more normal method, where your getting to know the persons personality first and then over time it naturally progresses.
But ...
X seeks Y for good time = quick dirty sex = cya next month = multiply by thousands doing same = seriously dangerous levels of disease spreading = no thanks, not for me.
How to write the perfect lonely heart
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