Quiting Smoking Diary

Ok, it's been planned for a few weeks now, but the day itself is now upon me.

30th May 2008 = Quite Smoking Day for me...

To catalogue the feelings I go through and struggles I endure to make sure I actually quit properly this time and don't give in the cravings and so that I have something positive to look back at, I will be doing a daily diary of my quiting, so each day I will come back and add a new section to this as I progress.

Yes I am scared, i've been through this before and as such a heavy smoker, I know what the first three days will put me through. I can do it though!

Anyway, to start, here is the day before process i'm going through...

The Day Before Quiting - 29th May 2008

I have 1 packet of papers, 1 lighter and enough baccie left for 5 more roll-ups, once that is gone, every single cigarette and smoking related item is going straight into the bin, including the ashtray.

All clothing that smells of smoke is getting washed.

Desktop wallpaper is changed to a help quit smoking desktop, together with changing my avatar on TF and adding a positive siggy banner.

My new desktop is:


Robyn has been prepared and knows what needs to be done to keep me positive.

I have my Nicorette Inhalator ready, i've already tested them to make sure they are suitable and they are, they work a treat and with no nasty side effects for me luckily.

So, as the evening passes, I will slowly smoke those last 4 roll-ups, making sure I remind myself as each one passes, why I am quiting and what I stand to benefit by quiting.

So why am I quiting?

Well... there are a whole bunch of reasons, including the normal smelling, health and finance ones and the biggest of all, I want control back, I am sick of little white cancer sticks controlling what I can do and the cravings ruling over me.

My dad had a heart attack a couple of year ago, it's acted as a very big kick up the arse for me. Not only with the smoking issue, but with my diet, exercising and generally every single aspect of my life. When I went for a health check up 2 years ago and was warned about my blood pressure and cholesterol and that i'd be lucky to get to 50 if I didn't start changing things, I knew I had to get real and do something about it if I want to live to a decent age. Quiting smoking is the single biggest part of making sure I give myself every chance of living a much longer and enjoyable life and of course, with a lot more money too.

So, tomorrow evening, I will add to this how the first day has gone, if i'm not climbing the walls too badly that is, otherwise it may have to wait a couple of days until I am coherent again.

Oh how I wish i'd refused that very first cigarette that was offered to me.

Quiting Day - 30th May 2008

Woke up at 8am this morning, last cigarette was at 11:50pm last night, so the urge is already strong, using that to my advantage though, I twist it and call that not bad an 8hr head start for me.

Breakfast was a struggle last time, well actually the post eating breakfast cigarette was the actual struggle, but i've quickly got past that this time by taking a quick shot on the inhalator.

Decided to have a slightly early lunch, knowing full well that food is a great side track, of course the after lunch cigarette was replaced by a shot of the inhalator again, great way to kill the craving on the spot, whgile still allowing the tar and crap to start clearing.

By 3:00pm it's getting a little difficult to concentrate, the throat has started going through it's restriction phase and all the other major withdrawel symptoms are kicking in. I know the key time for me is making it to bedtime today, I don't have a single doubt in my mind at all that I can get there though, every single bone in my body is completely commited and determined to be successful.

Ok, so made it to midnight without breaking down, it's been tough, but that's the whole 1st day done with, so that's the first mile stone achieved. I'll make this a little more coherent at some point once i'm feeling a bit more sane, as it really is tough to concentrate right now.

Day 2 - 31st May 2008

24hrs have now past and I have managed to resist tempation. I am feeling really motivated about this, but the cravings when they come are really strong, so it takes a lot of effort to keep on believing and a lot of concentration to stop it getting the better of me.

The first major signs of irritation and not being able to settle kicked in through the night. I went to bed aorund 12:45am but was back up at 5:50am having had a really restless night. Fortunately I already know from past experience that this bit gets a lot lot easier over time.

Fast forward to midnight. Today has been a big struggle. The body now knows it's not getting any more cigarettes and it's started fighting back. I've managed to survive the day without buckling, but it's been really tough. I'm really glad it's over with. My weakness today has been food, but I have deliberately made plans for that and made sure certain food stuffs were in the house, but i've kind of pigged out today to break the smoking cycle and to also give me somehting else to focus on, aka not sticking to my current diet means I now have to focus double as hard on that, which should mean I will forget about smoking much quicker.

Smoking for 18yrs and smoking up to 30 a day at times has been stupid, but it's only when you quit or at least try to quit that you ever think that, the rest of the time you consider it as part of normal life. Just think though..... 18yrs of smoking equates to around 130,000 cigarettes, 6500 packs of 20, or around the £25,000 to £30,000 spent buying them mark. I really have to stop and think to myself, how much i've poisoned myself for 18yrs, taking in crap like cyanide and carbon monoxide voluntarily. I mean, I wonder just how much tar i've got lining my lungs and insides right now and how long it's going to take for that to clear up?

The one thing I think I can say for certain... The Nicorette Inhalator works a bloody treat for me!!! Ok so i've not completely got over the nicotine addiction itself just yet, I am pretty damn certain that even at this very early stage in the proceedings, I am not craving for cigarettes at all, what I am craving and need is the actual nicotine itself, but the little plastic replacement is working great in giving me that and in a much reduced but sufficient level. I really shouldn't speak too soon though, I'm still getting hot and cold flushes at the moment, together with stomach cramps, lack of concentration, irritability, blurred vision and all the other normal quiting smoking type symptons.

The last time I quit I was successful for 3 months, but at this stage I was under a constant state of siege mentality with myself, I seriously wanted to go to the shop and buy cigarettes and it was continuous, right through to the point were I did actually fail at the 3 month mark and went and bought myself a packet. This time, even after only 2 days, I don't have anywhere near the same kind of urge to go and buy more. The only possible answer I can give for this, is that last time my heart wasn't really in it, I wasn't really wanting to quit for me but more because of being nagged at, this time it is 100% for me and I am damn determined this time.

Day 3 - 1st June 2008

I honestly thought i'd have something much more interesting to write, but things have gone very quiet for me, it's almost being TOO easy to quit this time, I don't know if i'm going to get some kind of delayed reaction and some nasty side effect or something, but so far, it's been all very straight forward and a hell of a lot easier than I was expecting.

Anyway, 3 days have passed so far and I can honstly say, I don't need or want a cigarette and i'm not just saying that to try and sub-consciously convince myself, I actually feel like i'm a none smoker, for the first time in 18 years.

Day 4 - 2nd June 2008

Hmmm, frankly I'm thinking about not bothering writing up this blog after the first week of this, because if anything, this little exercise has proved a damn sight more boring and less eventful than I suspected it would. Saying that, I never suspected it would be so damn easy to turn cigarettes away when quiting this time either.

So me and Robyn wandered into town to do a bit of shopping, I thought this would be a test, coming face to face with smokers and cigarette selling shops and smoke being blown straight at me, but instead of wanting to grab the cigarette out of the first person I saw smokings hand to smoke, I actually found my first thought was that of an 18yr old me who was a serious anti-smoker, in that I wanted to go up to the smoker grab the cigarette off them and stomp on it, the smell of the smoke repulsed me and for the first time in 18 years I realised just how bad smokers actually smell. Walking into the super market, this fat woman with stained yellow hair was stood right next the doorway, making it completely unavoidable to get a full on waft, but rather than the smoke itself getting to me, what hit me was the pungent smell of the woman herself, it smelled like she had been bathing in an ashtray and to me, something i'd taken no notice at all of for 18yrs, suddenly it was like being hit by a sledgehammer, I obviously used to smell like that myself, I was a pretty heavy smoker. What I don't get though, is why nobody besides Robyn ever told me about it, yeah sure these books all say about smoke smells, but nothing like as powerful smelling as I found out in the supermarket. Walking down the aisles, it was as easy as seeing who was white, black or asian, smelling who smoked and who didn't. What really made me laugh though, was that it seemed that a heck of a lot of the people that I smelled smoked on were either office workers or looked like upper management type people, smart suits, neat hair and all that kind of thing, yet I'm pretty sure the one thing they are completely oblivious to and that makes the effort they put into their appearance completely futile is the overpowering smell of smoke radiating from them like some real cheap and overpowering aftershave.

I don't really know why quiting smoking has been so easy for me at this time, maybe it really is down to motivation and determination, maybe I have had the willpower to do this all along and the only thing that's stopped me succeeding in the past has been my own state of mind and my only trying to convince others I wanted to quit and not actually convincing myself. Whatever it actually is, I can genuinely and confidently say I will never smoke a single cigarette ever again and the simple thought of it seriously repulses me and I am so SO happy that I have finally seen past the nicotine addiction.

The only thing nibbling at me now with this, is the damn cravings. They are completely managable and are getting easier to control each time it happens, but every time it does happen it catches me off guard just for a moment. I can quite easily see how without serious concentration this kind of thing catches people out and makes people grab a cigarette and ultimately meaning failure with the whole quiting project. I don't know whether my working from home is a curse or a godsend with this, in a way it's like being in a cell, I can lock the world out and maintain complete control over everything, yet at the same time, the lack of stimulating conversation means that my mind finds it very easy to wander back onto the subject of smoking and my having quit. There is no fear at all of me needing or wanting a cigarette, but the craving thing does bother me slightly and I wish it would hurry up and subside enough to be forgotten about completely.

Another thing that is helping me I believe, is that before I quit smoking, I cut down my caffeine intake dramatically. I went from around 20 cups of coffee a day to 3 cups, 4 on a long day, with half the amount of coffee and sugar in the cup too. From every guide i've read, caffeine when trying to quit smoking, is an absolute killer of stamina and abilty to control the situation.

Just one more thought for you for now.... Remember I posted on Total Format about my superb experience and results of Yakult and how well it has benefited me. Well.... I honestly think I can attribute the ease of which i've quit smoking to Yakult too, which if proved fact would make the stuff a serious miracle for me. The reason I think it helped me quit, is that as soon as I started taking Yakult, I replace my first cigarette of the morning with my Yakult and I think it may have helped break the repetitive daily routine that i've had in place for as long as I can remember. I also think that the Yakult improving my feeling of health and well being has made me feel better about myself and made me feel more self confident and with that it's given me a much stronger level of self belief in that I could beat smoking and so far it's clearly proved to be the case.

Anyway, I've still not touched a cigarette and with each passing day, I am more certain that I never will again, but at the same time I am chuffed that my first test of seeing and smelling others smoking had no kind of effect over me at all, other than to think that those people who smoke really stink very badly of smoke. All it says to me is that smokers obviously lose a hell of a lot of their sense of smell and become oblivious to how terribly bad the smell is to non smokers and I know I certainly don't ever want to smell like that again, knowingly or otherwise.

For all you smokers out there... If you are planning on quiting, I really reccomend getting a huge jar, half filling it with water and then tipping all of your full ashtrays into it, putting the lid on and letting it all soak in for a few weeks. Then after a nights sleep, go out into the garden with this jar, before you have your first cigarette and take the lid of the jar and take a deep lung full of the smell of whats in the jar... That's what you smell like to non smokers. That's what i've smelled like to non smokers for 18 years and obviously most people are either too polite or simply not ballsy enough to tell you just how rediculously revolting you smell and i'm not talking about dirty people who wash once a week and stuff like that, i'm talking about clean looking people, people who have a lot of pride in their look and appearance. The moment you put that lit fag in your mouth, you turn into a walking ashtray and smell as bad as that too. I am so very glad i've finally woken up to it.

Day 14 - 12th June 2008

Ok, we've fast forwarded a few days, as the last few days have generally been pretty much the same thing day after day. Get the odd craving, fight it, beat it, have the occasional little struggle to concentrate, get over it, get on with normal daily stuff.

The hardest time to fight is after an arguement. Of all the cigarettes throughout the day that could be missed, it appears that the grab a cigarette quickly due to getting stressed due to arguement type thing. Which isn't much fun when quiting smoking makes you very easily aggitated for the first few weeks as it is, meaning pretty much anything can trigger an abrupt eruption.

What I do find annoying, is that just cause a few days have passed, people aren't bothering to offer any kind of support like was offered during the first couple of days any more. Don't people realise, that quiting smoking is bloody tough and reassurance is needed for a damn sight longer than the first 7 days.

I think at the moment i'm actually going through the most difficult patch so far, which i am pretty certain has been triggered by a domestic between me and Robyn, which is seriously annoying, considering it's Robyn that has nagged at me about smoking for the last 9 years and Robyn who bought the Alan Carr books, etc, etc.. Clearly she hasn't bothered to read the information regarding being supportive and what a quiting smoker goes through, otherwise she would have known that by knocking me out of position and putting me on a downer about it all, she has seriously made it 10 times more difficult for me to focus and a lot harder to concentrate on anything. I really hope this passes and that I can get back to how I was feeling last week very quickly, because this little phase is very much NOT fun.

Day 24 - 22th June 2008

Ok, so we are now into the 3rd week of being an ex-smoker and the novelty of being quit has really warn off, leaving the standard daily grind of overcoming cravings and trying to concentrate on other things, while at the same time trying to resist these over powering hunger moments. I can seriously see why they warn that you have to allow for weight gain when quiting, cause the nicotine cravings are seriously replaced by bouts of real hunger.

There are two types of days generally at the moment. The first type is when Robyn is at work and I am home alone working on TF. Its pretty hard going at times, especially when the work being done is so boring, like uploading pictures to the gallery, or doing news stories, it's hard to concentrate at times. I am managing though, it's not something I feel will ultimately make me fail at this, it's just annoying that it happens. The second type of day is when Robyn is off work and I take a few hours during the day off myself to go out shopping or for a long walk or something. During those days it is a real doddle and it takes absolutely no effort at all and I don't have to concentrate or overcome cravings at all, much nicer days really.

Oh and the bonus... Look at my siggy.... £160 less spent so far... That's a big BIG saving already.

7 Weeks - 21st July 2008

Well, thought I should give a little update... I'm still very much quit and have no doubt at all that I will remain quit. My big problem right now is not smoking though, it's food. As time has past, i've started feeling hungry more and more and at the moment have a bit of an issue trying to control it. I will get on top of it, it's just going to take a little while.

One annoying aspect is this money saving business. Yes I have saved over £300 since quiting smoking, problem is, is that with this damn credit crunch and the prices of everything going through the roof, I'm not noticing any extra money in my pocket and it's doing my head in.

Was nice that when I went to my parents, they did notice that i'd quit smoking and that was a big moral booster.


Oh and if you are thinking of or planning on quiting, be warned that one thing none of these so called "quit smoking" guides bothers to warn you about is the micro management of your life once you have actually got cigarettes gone from it. They all say keep busy when you get cravings, relax when you get stressed, go for a walk when you can't concentrate, etc, etc, yet they don't actually follow it up with the actual ins and outs of what the hell you should do post 3 weeks type period and no matter how positive you are about quiting smoking, it is absolutely impossible to remain permanently positive about quiting and if like me , I found it was after the high of visiting my parents that i've now hit a kind if a natural post holiday low and as a result motivation and moral is really low, yet nowhere can I find the post quit smoking "pick me up" type guide. I won't go back to smoking, that would be plain stupid, I just hope my weight don't go through the roof with the confort eating thing.

Anyway, I'll probably update this next when I get to the 3 month mark, that's a pretty big marker. Hopefully by then i'll have got the eating under control again too.