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I have been dating my girlfriend now for just under 2 months and we have a real good thing going and we are very open to each other and i can see it going the distance however she just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years, and this guy is still very dependant on her. He goes round her house stil like 3 or 4 times a week to hang out as "friends" and i dunno how i feel about it. I trust her, and shes told me on a number of occasions she wont go back to him and just sees him as a brother but im afriad that if he keeps spending time with her then she will start to develop those lost feeling again for him...
They both are young, was their first love and used to spend everyday with each other but their relationship was on the rocks for about 6months before they broke up mainly due to it being same boring rutine and she wanted someone new, for both their happyness.
Anyways what should i do?
I cant exactly lock her up from seeing her best friend then again it makes me paranoid.
ive told her it makes me insecure, and she just says theres nothing to worry about.
I know for a fact if i had my ex girlfriend comming round my flat everyday she would be feeling 10x insecure, plus shes an insecure person anyways and thinks im too good for her, so i jsut wonder why she would allow me to feel insecure like this.
Maybe just have a dad to son discussion with the ex-boyfriend and tell him he's got to stop using your girlfriend as a baby's dummy. Then fatherly encourage him to buy a big teddybear instead.
well she told him a while back on a number of occasions thats it defo over and that he should move on, but he still hangs out alot with her, and everytime i bring it up i feel like im getting in the way of their friendship, i dont wanna be that kind of boyfriend.
If she is serious about you she will tell him to piss off. If she's only using you to mkae him realise what he has lost then you need to dump her. Sorry.
only thing you can do is to hang on and let time tell which way its going. if shes worth it then its worth the emotional agony (of bitting your tongue a bit maybe ?), if not then youl find out soon enough.
ofc in the meantime theres no reason why you cant have fun and make sure she knows how you feel and whats good for her.
It sounds like he's only there when you are not. And you are uncomfortable about this, and he is not. Is he a good guy? What happens when the 3 of you are in the same place?
In college (university), whenever I thought a girl was intriguing, my real girlfriend would become friends with her. At first it was odd, but it actually worked out quite well, as I/we ended up with several good female friends that didn't put a strain on our relationship. As I lived in a fraternity, my girl had lots of guy friends too.
well she told him a while back on a number of occasions thats it defo over and that he should move on, but he still hangs out alot with her, and everytime i bring it up i feel like im getting in the way of their friendship, i dont wanna be that kind of boyfriend.
Well, then ask if the ex could leave her alone for some time/(at least) 6 months. Bring that up while both of them are present. If he won't then he will look like he's the one hanging in the past (and being pathetic).
Always smart to think the questions you ask from the ex boyfriend beforehand, so that when you ask them he's either making a sorry arse of himself or he's got to do as you like him to do. (Or refuse to answer = sorry arse once again)
Also look the internets for some body language things to give the poor sod some subliminal messages.
It sounds like he's only there when you are not. And you are uncomfortable about this, and he is not. Is he a good guy? What happens when the 3 of you are in the same place?
In college (university), whenever I thought a girl was intriguing, my real girlfriend would become friends with her. At first it was odd, but it actually worked out quite well, as I/we ended up with several good female friends that didn't put a strain on our relationship. As I lived in a fraternity, my girl had lots of guy friends too.
Yeah hes a good guy, innocent too. I just had a talk with her on the phone about it in detail and well i felt like i was putting her on the spot, like she had to chose between her friendship and her boyfriend, she said she knew what decision she would make, she would see him alot less inorder to make me happy. Its what i want however, what kind of an arsehole trys to get in a way of a friendship? i dont wna be that arsehole. She also said that i make her feel selfish, ie have a boyfriend and her friend at the same time.
It sounds like he's only there when you are not. And you are uncomfortable about this, and he is not. Is he a good guy? What happens when the 3 of you are in the same place?
In college (university), whenever I thought a girl was intriguing, my real girlfriend would become friends with her. At first it was odd, but it actually worked out quite well, as I/we ended up with several good female friends that didn't put a strain on our relationship. As I lived in a fraternity, my girl had lots of guy friends too.
Yeah hes a good guy, innocent too. I just had a talk with her on the phone about it in detail and well i felt like i was putting her on the spot, like she had to chose between her friendship and her boyfriend, she said she knew what decision she would make, she would see him alot less inorder to make me happy. Its what i want however, what kind of an arsehole trys to get in a way of a friendship? i dont wna be that arsehole. She also said that i make her feel selfish, ie have a boyfriend and her friend at the same time.
He is there whenever im not for the msot part anyways, however ive put that down to the fact that when they were dating all they ahd was each other and when they are both alone, they have got absoultely nothing else to do. I know this because when they were dating, they used to come round my flat on a daily bases and just sort of sit there.
When the 3 of us are together, he goes very quiet and its awkward. ive been told by my girlfriend its because he feels like im watching them like a hawk and he doesnt want to do or say anything to upset me, which inturn makes me paranoid cause i never know what hes thinking.
i think im in one of those relationship catch 22s.
Anyways i told her how i feel and she said she will see him less but i dont know how that will affect her in the short/long run, i dont want to feel selfish here.
My cousin is the same with hes girlfriend, accept he doesnt let her have any male friend and it got to a point where they always argued and they finally broke up after 2 years, i dont want that.
I don’t like ultimatums but I would ask her to make a clear choice if I was you, she can't be so close to her ex whilst being fair to you. He needs to really get a grip and if no one’s pushing him to do so then nothing is going to change. Her telling him it’s over for good then seeing him 4 times a week totally sends out the wrong signals.
There's no such thing as a best friend ex, it's just the left over feelings from the old relationship. She needs to tell him enough is enough. She hasn't truly split with him until she's put that block up. and if you are the new fella she needs to put your feelings before his. This is the thing with having a relationship with a friend. You have to sacrifice the friendship when the relationship ends 95% of the time.
It's ok for them to bump in to each other randomly (occasionally) and have a drink, or become friends years down the line. But this isn't just being friends - he clearly hasn't moved on and she’s either being too nice or really naive and either way not being fair to you.
I wouldn’t be so quick to tie my heart strings to this one until she makes the break from the ex properly or you could just be lining yourself up for a fall. It sounds like she hasn’t fully closed that chapter in her life yet if she isn’t willing to do this for you.
this is probably good advice in general,,, putting something in the way of an ultimatum is unlikely to ever encourage the goal you want, this also applies to criticism, instead just put it in ways of how it makes you feel.
if someone cares about you this will be more beneficial to both of you.
If shes not so eager to brush him off then whos dependent on who? Maybe try and befriend him and start going out for dinks together, find him a blind date and go on a double date together, then make sure you treat your girlfriend like a queen, if he sees you two so close he may back off.
I was in a similar situation once, and it maddened me that the guy I was with didnt mind his ex there, for what seamed a lot of the time, I got her by the scruff of the neck and kicked her ass down the street, she wasnt so quick to come back! and I gave my boyfriend a good talking to, her or me! we'v been together for almost 15 years now
and if i trust her word, and let their friendship continue as it is, whats the likely-hood of a happy ending to this story for me?
Theres also something ive left out here, which has just occured to me.
She the sort of person who cares alot for other people, all her friends use her for emotional support and she seems to take other peoples problems on her own shoulders and hates to hurt people.
Now her ex boyfriend is an emotionally weak person and has been depressed since they broke up because he is alone.
Could it be that she jsut being there for him? and she doesnt just want to push him away and leave him all alone to suffer?
Whats interesting is that she had a dream a few days back where I was in danger and so was her ex. She had to make a decision which one to save, and she told me she saved me in this dream and watched her ex burn.
I interpreted this dream as her still decideding between the two of us, whilst my friend interpreted it as her feeling guilty that she hurt her ex and left him to burn when they broke up.
It would be interesting to hear your points of view on this!
Im Feeling Insecure - Need advice
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